How to get Closure

I’m THAT girl who is like, ‘I just need closure’, but I don’t really, I just need to believe the reason for something to be over aka I need to be in control. Someone (you know who you are 😉) slid into my DMs on instagram (@byphephebelle) and asked me the big question ‘I can’t get over my ex, how can I get closure?’. I’ll tell you what, if someone can give me the magic answer to this, I’d be forever grateful. Until then, here’s my take on the question. 

I think you can get one of three types of closure and I’ve got all three:

  • no closure

  • fade out

  • the closure convo

Let’s go back to front, and start with the easiest to move on from

THE CLOSURE CONVO

I’m someone who in the last year has managed to split logic from emotion remarkably well. So well so that I would say my brain has an on and off switch that I can flip whenever I want when it comes to boys (anyone in fact, even friends - ruthless but honest). 

This guy I went on a couple of dates with last year, he probably deserves his own post but he was never actually in London. And unlike most guys, he was OBSESSED with calling. He would call and want to talk for HOURS, and at the beginning it was the most fascinating thing because what guy do you know wants to talk on the phone for that long?? I’m not talking Whatsapp, I’m talking  old school phone calls. But it was a couple of dates to a million phone calls, the ratio was all off, he was calling me as if we were married with three kids and I just couldn’t justify it. I didn’t want to get emotionally involved with someone I would have to say my ‘I do’ to over the phone because he was never actually around. 

Let’s get real, a bitch was talked out. One day, we were literally an hour and a half into a conversation and I had actually just put him on loudspeaker and started cleaning my vanity and just blurted out ‘I don’t think there’s much point to this, do you?’. It was one of those moments where I couldn’t believe the words had come out of my mouth and that I’d had been so blunt. I panicked for half a second because I wasn’t so sure how I was going to follow this up. And to this day I cannot believe this is the route I chose to go down. So he was very quick to be like he’d be in London before I knew it, he was willing to call all the time (OH WE KNOW!!!), blah blah blah, let’s just say I’d flipped the switch. And I went on to say ‘I was leaving in two weeks and I didn’t know when I’d be back, it could even be six months’ which you know was a big fat lie but also a tiny bit true… I was leaving in two weeks and hadn’t booked my return ticket yet so I guess I didn’t know when I’d be back. I’ll admit the six months thing was an embellishment but who doesn’t love a dramatic exit? All in all, I said I was done and that is what I call closure. Full blown, no questions asked CLOSURE.

THE FADE OUT

I think everyone has this type of closure where it kind of never ends. It fades but it’s still there, it’s like a filter on a photo, you can turn it up or down. It’s the sort of closure where there’s no real reason to end it, not a lack of feelings, no real explanation, it’s just not going to work anymore. There’s almost an unspoken thing where you know if either one of you calls, it will be fine, not awkward, you never have to fully acknowledge the past, but it’s still there. It’s a weird one, but a good one. 

I almost think it’s one of those weird ones where you realise there was actually a friendship in the back of the romance, and just like you turned on the romance, you can turn it off and remain friends. But the possibility of turning back on the romance remains slim, and to be honest, not really wanted. But there’s a level of respect there that, I think a lot of relationships whether they be full blown moving in types of situations, or just a couple of dates kind of situation, lacks when the romance becomes non apparent.

NO CLOSURE

Right, prepare for this because I’m pretty sure this has to be THE WORST kind of closure you could ever get. And it’s when the closure is not in your hands AT ALL. This has bitten me in the ass and left me the way I am today. When I say no closure, I actually just mean, in your head the door isn’t closed. I’m someone who if you say it’s done and I fully believe you, that’s it, I’m out. And I’ll tell you what, I can briefly remember having that kind of a conversation, however I was heavily intoxicated thus have never really believed that conversation happened. BUT I KNOW IT DID, but I didn’t want to believe that it was over.

I think it had something to do with, I’d had the same conversation with the guy a couple of times and it never was actually the end but every time before this it was in my hands just as much as it was in his, this time it wasn’t. I think when you’re young and nothing is really that serious at all, you always believe that things are going to work out like in the movies. And when it doesn’t, you’re more heartbroken because you’re convinced it was going to, you were expecting it… I mean #ME!

I think that’s where it never feels like you got closure, because you weren’t the one to lose feelings, flip the switch or fall for someone new. You’re the one left with all the feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same, so what tf are you supposed to do with all those feelings.

I saw this thing the other day that was like ‘I lost someone who didn't care and you lost someone who did’, which I think puts it really well.

I think like most girls, I just put those feelings in a box with the guys name on it and store it somewhere in my brain. And I’ll tell you what, it’s one of the few things I can’t seem to throw out, every time I try (and trust me, I’ve tried so hard) there will be something, his name in a movie, this obscure song he showed me starts to play in the middle of a restaurant, and that is the worst kind of closure. When it NEVER ends. And I think 90% of why it doesn’t is because whether you know it or not, in the back of your mind you don’t want to let go of it. Whether it be the time in your life, the feeling that someone once gave you, or the boy himself. 

If you’re three months into a breakup or three years in and you feel like you can face that person and be able to talk about it, be that girl who meets up with her ex to get closure. Or if you just need to see them, to see that they are not the person you want or need. OR simply not the person you’re holding onto, you do what you need to do to get there because it’s different for everyone.

So if you want my advice on how to get closure, I would say make sure you are actually involved in the process. The best way is to realise what you are holding onto. This may be TMI, but I mean, what isn’t on phephebelle.com?! I’ve realised I’m holding onto the idea of what I want someone to be, not who they are and I’m conscious of that. Am I being a wimp for not letting go? Oh ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! But, I’ve taken it as what I am expecting from someone (cough cough THE LIST!!!! if you want more deets), this bastard is just lucky (or maybe not so lucky) his face is the model for this perfect man I’ve made up in my head.

Anyways, approach it from the same way it’s being approached on the other end - If someone is trying to close the door on you, realise that you shouldn’t have to keep your foot in the doorway, or risk your fingers getting jammed just for them to keep it open. No one wants a love that will hurt them even at the best of times.