From Then to Now.

I feel like I’ve pretty much branded as the single girl who goes on the bad dates so you don’t have to, but also as the girl who feels like getting a boyfriend is harder than it should be as you take in the past, the present and the future. I take you into the mind of a 21 year old, whose thoughts may not always be logical, can come across as crazy and most of all I say it how it is. But here’s a shocker, I’ve had this feeling for the last couple of days and it’s scared me but also I don’t feel like I’m waiting anymore:

I’m happy with right now. 

Right now, with myself, no one else. 

So you may be thinking ‘ummm phe, how is that scary?!?’, well think about it for a sec, I’m saying I’m happy with it just being me, I don’t feel the need for anyone else. So does that mean I’m never going to find someone? Does that mean I’m going to be THAT girl who is single forever? 

That is what scares me.

But what doesn’t scare me is the fact that I can do it on my own. I’m not relying on someone else at all hours of the day, I don’t need someone’s attention at all times, I’m not waiting for someone to message me before I can fall asleep at night, I’m not disappointed when I don’t wake up to a message from someone with a bunch of hearts, I’m never disappointed because I’m not expecting. I don’t need the attention that my 16, through I would say 20 year old self did. Particularly my 17/18/19 year old self who took too far (snapchat stories are my witness, don’t worry though - no nudies from this gal!!!!!). 

I’m so happy with me. My little routines, my little ways of doing things, the way I organise my fridge, go out with my friends, do things and not have someone distracting me in the moment, or being distracted by them, or feeling the need to tell them about it instead of living it.

From thoughts about old boyfriends, boys I dated for five seconds, friends I’ve loved and then let go of, down to the way I make my fucking coffee in the morning, this website really is the digital diary that saw me through being a heartbroken 18 year old who couldn’t let go, to a 21 year old MOTHERRFUCKER WHO HAS A FLAT AND DRINKS PORNSTAR MARTINIS AND SAYS ‘SWEETIE’ AND ‘FABULOUS’ EVERYDAY WHO WORKS IN PR DARLING, no I’m kidding, just a 21 year old who finally feels like I’m EXACTLY where I’m supposed to be right now.

And captures that journey pretty fucking well.