Just so you know, I really want to say this guys name but whilst I’m willing to tell you every other thing about him, I think his name would be too much... EVEN THOUGH it would make this story better. Rhymes with... chav, bav, pav... No I really shouldn’t...
So as we’ve all established, I like a bumble moment. Just an FYI though, I’ve literally not been able to go back on the app since this event. But anyways, I was feeling adventurous, and swiped a guy I thought was kind of different. I can’t remember exactly what his profile said, but it was more than the “6ft2, I make a great breakfast 😉” although, thinking about it now, the height thing might have helped me avoid this whole sitch.
He looked EXACTLY like Niall off of Love island, and I LOVED Niall. So I mean there’s my first mistake - don’t think someone is like the person they look like...
After we get chatting, I’m thinking omg we really get along, like it was back and forth, jokes were flying, it was the PERFECT convo. And I’m building him up like there is NO TOMORROW. Telling everyone about him, making jokes about him, because that’s just how confident I was about him.
I need to stress here that I seriously was so convinced I had found the PERFECT dude so naturally we plan a date - Monday night we would go for drinks.
On Saturday night we realize we both have tickets to the same concert. Not only that, but it was the same area, baring in mind, this was a concert in Hyde Park in London, so what are the odds we have the same tickets in the front, with access to the same garden area? And me being me, I’m thinking OH MY GOD SIGN SIGN SIGN!!!!!!
He suggested getting a drink whilst we were there, but because in my head I was meeting him the next day on our date I wasn’t mentally prepared for it. So I was like “no no, let’s just stick to tomorrow”. As the concert was ending, he insisted on meeting so I just thought Fuck it, he can walk me to the station, we can walk and talk.
We organize a meeting spot, and I’m the first to get there. So I’m just chilling and then I get a phone call - it’s him. Here’s where this all comes CRUMBLING down.
Firstly, he gets on the phone and starts talking and I kid you not, the guy sounded EXACTLY like jack Whitehall and I love jack Whitehall but would I date jack Whitehall? HELL TO THE NO. But more than that, that was the LAST accent I expected to hear, bearing in mind he told me he was from Manchester. At this point, I should have hung up and RAN home. For some reason, I stayed and told him “I’m in red stripey pants, you can’t miss me”. After a couple of seconds, i get a tap on the shoulder, I turn around and LOOK DOWN, the dude literally came up to my shoulders (throwback to me dissing guys for writing their heights on their bios). But obviously, at this point I can’t do anything, I’m officially stuck in the situation and I would definitely call this a sitch.
It all gets worse, he is still holding a plastic cup from whatever he was drinking in the concert, he passed a million bins between there and seeing me so I made the OBVIOUS joke “I get it you drink”. He THROWS the empty cup behind him and it hits the guy behind us and he power walks and I’m left looking at the guy behind like what is going on?!? I pick up the cup because I’m a good citizen like that, put it in the bin and the boy is still talking to me. So I walk up next to him but I’m power walking at this point because I just want to get out of the situation.
Obviously, because we are leaving a concert, there are HUNDREDS of people around and in very close proximity. This guy is talking SO LOUD, like so loud people are turning around and looking. So loud, I’m actually getting really embarrassed. But it’s not just the volume that is the problem, it’s the speed. He was talking so fast I felt like I had hit the button on a remote that made him go in fast motion, like that Snapchat filter that speeds you up so you sound like a chipmunk. I shit you not that’s what I was dealing with. But that made me feel like I was talking really slow. It’s what I would imagine an acid trip would feel like.
I mean if it’s not clear at this point that I wanted out of the sitch, I WANTED OUT OF THE SITCH SO BAD. All I was thinking of was how many steps left until I could ditch him.
So I decide I’m going to make it obvious that we aren’t compatible. I ask him a bunch of questions and when he asks “what about you?” I made sure to give an answer that didn’t work well with his.
But then he hits me with “so do you like me in person then?” and I’m not going to lie, I paused for WAY too long to make my answer seem genuine “...yeah.......” UM NO, GET ME HOME AND LOCK THE DOOR. I really thought he got it here that I wasn’t into him AT ALL. NOPE. He kept going, told me all about his family problems, his love of drugs, how much he drinks, just stuff you do NOT tell someone when you first meet them. Especially because if you know ANYTHING about me, all this shit he’s telling me about alcohol and drugs is just barking up the wrong tree. And then tells me “he feels so comfortable with me and can’t wait for more talks like this” like sweetie, #flattered, but WHAAAATTTTT?!!?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??!?? Again - GET ME HOME!!!!!!!!
He then asks “so now that you’ve met me, do you still want to go on our date tomorrow?”, stressed, I throw it back in his face and he answers “yeah of course, I like you, you challenge me, no one challenges me” which only makes me panic more. “Hmmmm why don’t I let you know” thinking ok that’s quite good, he’ll just think I’m trying to be mysterious - NOPE. “No Phoebe I don’t like that, I’m not being played like that” did I feel like I was being told off? A hundred percent. I didn’t really know where to go from that but I thought he had got the vibe that I wasn’t into it by the way I just awkwardly laughed. NOPE.
Finally we hit the bridge, I’m literally getting ready to LEG IT. As I’m saying bye he says “CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TOMORROW” AHHHHHH NOOOO. But I was done, I was running. I didn’t message, he didn’t message. I thought I was totally safe. UNTIL 3.22 PM THE NEXT DAY. His name pops up on my phone and I shut that shit down straight up - called him dude and everything. And here is the message to prove it.
And after seeing his answer, the number was blocked and this post was written. BOY BYE.