So to start off the summer of phephebelle, let's get straight to the juicy stuff or in this case not so juicy, more DISASTROUS. Let me set the scene... I'm sat here with a green smoothie (new updated recipe coming asap!!!) listening to the Sex and the City soundtrack. NOT THE SONGS, the soundtrack, as in the instrumentals to the movie and this is so key here because this chick CANNOT for the life of herself concentrate if there is a song she knows. But instrumentals ARE MY SHIT when I'm trying to work or do anything productive that requires me to think.
And this is where the irony begins... I may be listening the Sex and The City but this story is all city, no sex.
I'm obviously going to put each story in their own post because these boys deserve it (AHAHA), they managed to give me stories I will keep for life. All this has happened in the last month and I have told these stories AT LEAST a hundred times.
So let's start with boy numero uno, goes to Yale, rower, kiwi, in London for the summer... I mean perfect, right?! Did someone say Danny Zuko and Sandy Summer love story??? I thought this would be great, a little summer romance, and then it can end quite swiftly. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this summer love did not have me a blast. This story is pretty mild in comparison to the next, but I think it's worth the post.
For once in my life I agreed to go on a date pretty soon, this is coming from the girl who is all about talking to someone for A WHILE before agreeing to go on a date. But there I was, three days later walking down Southbank looking for my Danny Zuko. Can I just take this moment to point out that he had more gel in his hair than Zuko and the movie was called GREASE, like just take that in for a second. So much gel, I was convinced his hair was wet for the first thirty minutes.
So I'll admit, it was quite romantic at first, you know sunset along the river blah blah blah. So we get to this Mexican restaurant and you have to keep in mind we were meeting for drinks. The waitress comes over, ask for our order, I order a pornstar martini because we all know that is THE DRINK. And I don't know where in this ordering process he forgot that we were there for drinks, that he decided 'yeah, I'm going to order my dinner right about now' but instead of just saying 'oh I might get something to eat' he makes out we are going to get some like starter food. So he asks 'what do you want?' and considering we were in a mexican, I went for the basic chips and guac to which he just looks at the waitress and goes 'yeah so can we have the chicken nachos, bread platter and beef skewers'. I DON'T EAT MEAT! But I was not about to be that girl, so I bit my tongue, and watched him sit there with piles of food and say to me over and over 'are you the kind of girl that doesn't eat on a date?'.
It comes to the end of the date and the paying moment comes up. He insists on paying, I insist on paying, it becomes a whole big thing. I say to just split it, that's easier, he argues, I insist I want to pay, he insists, the waitress is just staring. It's all bit much and finally he agrees to split the bill. He pays his bit, I go to tap my phone on the machine 'sorry, contactless doesn't work on our machines atm' WhHHHAAAATTTT!?! In sheer panic, I look at her, 'can you use a different machine then?', she tries to tell me that all the machines are down for that right now. And the main reason for my panicking is that I know fine phucking well I don't have my card on me. So I look at this guy and he knows he's won in this situation. After my whole fuss, I couldn't physically pay it. Ridiculed is an UNDERSTATEMENT.
Embarrassed, I say thanks and tell him I'll send him the money. To which he says, 'no no, now you have to come on a second date with me' and not going to lie I was thinking ok cool. Not that you can tell from this because I'm writing this way after this all went to shit, but at this point, I was kind of into him, he was a nice dude and I was on the high.
But this is where it all goes wrong.
His chat game was so weak, it was physically painful to entertain. And like any girl (and guy, let's be real here), I was sending screenshots of the chat to my friends with the disclaimer that this would make them physically uncomfortable whilst reading. I don't think I'm a hard to talk to, I'll make conversation out of a brick wall, but this guy, oh my god. After being asked three times in the space of an hour and a half how my day was going, I decided I had to make it clear that his chat was, for lack of a better word, HORRIBLE. So I did, and he went on to tell me that he was better on the phone or on snapchat. So being the ballsy bitch I am, I called him. And as I thought, not much better on the phone either. But then it got worse.
About 30 mins after the phone call, 30 minutes after I had decided I was over it, he asks me for my snapchat. Now don't get me wrong I still use snapchat... to keep up the streaks I've had since I was in year 12 but I would never ask for someone's snapchat now. But I didn't want to come across blunt by saying 'wtf how old are you, why do you want my snap?', no no, I wanted to come across blunt by saying 'are you just going to send me dick pics?'. I sent it, giggling to myself, because I knew that is EXACTLY what was going on here. But he got super offended, 'NO! I'm not that kind of guy, I'm so sorry if that's the impression I've given off' blah blah blah... Which I then felt slightly bad about, UNTIL ABOUT 24 HOURS LATER.
After joking for a while about what he was going to send me on snapchat, considering I had then put a bit of pressure on the sitch, he asks me what I wanted to get. And me being me, start making jokes, thinking he is 100% getting my sarcasm, nope, the sarcasm was 100% missed. I start saying that I expect a lot, get creative, all this. And next thing you know, I receive, for lack of a better way to put this, a dick pic.
But not just any old dick pic, it was the most posed up pic I have EVER seen. And not in a good way, I cringed so hard and then just burst out laughing. Because what else are you supposed to do. And I'm not proud of how I acted but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, in this situation - I ripped his manhood to shreds. 'NEVER send me something like that again, wtf'.
Needless to say, at this point, I was convinced he had gotten the message - NOT INTERESTED.
I continued to receive snapchats. I literally wasn't answering any, he was having a one sided convo with himself. After THREE days of unanswered snaps, he finally got the message. phephebelle was phepheOUT.