A New York State of Mind

As my trip to NYC came to an end, I couldn’t help but wonder: How is it that I am so in love with the city, the energy, the people, the vibe, the pace (you get it, I kinda liked it… kinda liked it a lot) yet intimidated by it at the same time? I was slapped in the face with the harsh reality of life, and that not everything is handed to you on a silver plate. If you want someone you have to fight for it. New York taught me that. There are times in my life where I started at the very bottom and got to the top but didn’t have to work all that hard to get there… or so I thought. For example, if you know me, you know that my teen years involved an insane amount of musical theatre. The first show I auditioned for was Oliver Twist. Truth be told, morning of the audition I chickened out and decided I didn’t want to do it. I remember my neighbours mum came to pick me up to take me and I was too embarrassed to say no to her so I put on my white sundress and zebra headband (Blair Waldorf - Zoo Edition) and headed to the most uncomfortable hour of my life. I didn’t get in, but I got a call two weeks later that someone had dropped out: enter Phoebe. From then on I decided I was into singing, so I started taking lessons, did more shows, joined the choir, got involved in music at school. Without really noticing I was improving myself, I would get bigger parts each time. My last two shows I did I was the main roles (literally some of my proudest moments). But looking back at it now I realise I never notice how hard it was to get to those places because I genuinely loved it, not to sound cheesy, but that was my shit. By the end of it I was a big fish in a little pond. Then That big fish moved to a bigger pond with other bigger fish. And I, the big phish (sorry, had to) had become so used to things being easy, I backed out and freaked and hid away. This is something I noticed in myself in New York, I loved the idea of PR but I was simply just happy to be in New York that I settled into my discreet role instead of fully immersing myself. Not to say I didn’t enjoy my experience because I did, I think it was one of the best life experiences I’ve ever had. It was one of the first times I truly feel I gained life experience. Something that I did on my own where I learnt so much about myself somewhere I knew nothing about.


New York is full of people convincing others that they are somebody’s. Something that I learned to love. But New York was also full of people that want nothing to do with you if youdon’t benefit them. Everyone is consistently on a mission to better themselves and further themselves. This was so refreshing from people who are happy staying within their comfort zone, and falling into a routine. But even though it was so inspiring, I don’t know if it sent me into panic mode where I felt like everyone around me had their shit together and I had had a late start and was completely lost in the midst of the glitterati. More so because everyone around me knew what they wanted to do, and I was stood there with a map covered in X’s because I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do that I was just paralysed. But for me, that’s where this website comes in. I have to talk (write) things to map out what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling and figuring out what I want to do next. 


For my first proper experience of work in the real world, I have to say it took me from 0 to 100 real f*&#ing (‘fucking’ just made a bit more interesting) quick. But it also gave me determination to strive for the top and not ever settle for a role like that again (albeit I don’t know what direction I’m striving in exactly…).