Straight up, I’ve always been very self-centred/ self-absorbed. However, part of me thinks that’s not the worst thing ever… until now. I’ve been trying to understand why I’m so content being on my own and what has shifted that I don’t feel the need to surround myself with anyone new. In the last couple of months, I’ve noticed myself slowly retreating to a point where I genuinely don’t feel a need to interact with new people, I feel very happy with who I have in my life and don’t feel the need to include anyone else. At my internship, I was chatting to a girl at work and she was saying how some of the guys she dates, she meets off Instagram. I said that I feel like I’m shit at the dating thing and would be better off dating someone I was friends with first. To which she answered ‘But how do you meet people?’ - mind blown. From then I have been thinking about it constantly, I make no real effort to meet up, organise, engage with anyone other than people I am ALREADY close to. And my reasoning behind it is that I don’t want to waste my time with people I don’t think I will gel with. But I have lived so close to that, that I don’t even give anyone a chance. The weird thing is, throwback to anytime before November/ December last year and I was more than willing to see anyone/ hang out with anyone/ get involved.
So I am trying to understand why I’ve been so happy being that way. Am I like Alan form the hangover and just happy being a one man Wolfpack? I was so concerned about spending time getting to know myself and love myself that I think I have actually crossed a line. I think I love myself a little too much and I value ‘me-time’ more than any other time, so much so I would be more than willing to cancel plans to be by myself. I’ve been trying to think of reasons why I am so okay with being by myself and doing everything by myself.
Part of me feels like it could have something to do with not wanting to have to pour my energy and potentially put my feelings on the line when a goodbye is inevitable. Maybe that’s because the last times I’ve done that, I’ve been left feeling utterly heartbroken or feeling fucked, sorry… phucked over.
Another part of me feels like I’m constantly waiting for ‘the right time’. I feel like university and London is temporary, New York is temporary, everything for now is just temporary so I don’t feel like I need to include myself and that I should just enjoy the time and place by myself as I wait for the ‘right time’ to include new people because for now I am more than happy with my friends and keeping up with them.
I came to New York on my own and no fear of being alone, which personally I didn’t find intimidating or scary. I think that’s impressive. But it’s made me realise just how comfortable I am being on my own and doing things on my own. I go shopping, walking, cafe-ing (yeah I said that) all on my own and am more than happy doing so. And if I ever feel lonely when doing these things I’ll call someone. But this realisation has made me think that maybe digital technology has made it too easy for me to be happy on my own, and have a quick easy remedy if I’m ever not happy on my own.
The reason I’m writing this and making it public isn’t for someone to read it and judge me or feel bad for me, because 1. I don’t think anyone reading this is here to judge, 2. I was happy being this way, it was my choice, a conscious choice. But now by writing this down, it’s my way of freezing it and making a conscious choice to change and maybe, just maybe someone reading this realised they are exactly the same.