My First Love

When people talk about first loves, they are often referring to their first boyfriend/ girlfriend. But I'm trying to be like a youtuber minus the videos, so first things first: a clickbait title. I also don’t think I’ve experienced my big first love in that way (and when I do, that boy better be on one knee proposing because I don’t think I could experience that and then move on). My first love was a little different, my first love was my best friend. Not in a sexual way (though I’m pretty sure if people don’t think you and your best friend are gay for each other at some point, you’re doing something wrong) more of a ‘I would die for you’ kind of way, even though I’m pretty sure she’s almost died for me more times than I have for her (she jumped from an attic once whilst I just sat there crying thinking we were done for because the ladder we used to get up there had fallen over). She was the first person outside of my family that I would have taken a bullet for without thinking about it. I was very lucky with her because we were the best friends who literally grew up together, we were best friends before we could walk or talk. We would fight like siblings because in a way we were family. I know not a lot of people get to experience that kind of friendship with someone, I was lucky enough that I did/ still do. Having a best friend to me is a crucial part of life, I’ve always had someone to fill that role. 

 

Even though I’ve always had a group of friends, I’ve always been one to get along more with one person from the group. Even in university, from the group of friends I have, I know the deepest friendship I have is with only one of them. And that’s not to say I don’t like any of the others, I do, very much so. But, for me there will always be one person I will call first whenever something happens and someones opinion who ultimately will mean more to me than anyone elses.

 

Since moving to university, keeping in touch with people whilst also making new friends has led to me forming a group that aren’t necessarily friends between themselves but form the group of people I would call my best friends. I’ve always seen my mum have a group of best friends that weren’t friends between themselves and all had very different friendships with my mum. For the first time in my life, I feel I have the same sort of friendships in my life. All my best friends are my best friends for different reasons. I go to different friends for different things, they all knew me at a certain point of my life and experienced things with me that shaped who I have become. For example, my best friend from university has experienced a lot of things with me that none of my other friends have and probably never will because she was there in this whole new phase of my life. 

I really do believe that you get vibes from people and their energy, and to me and my life, I’ve become very attracted to people that have positive vibes about them and value similar things to me. One thing I don't like about myself though when it comes to making friends is that I feel I very quickly decide how I'm going to be with someone and I think it falls into one of three categories: friends, not friends or intimidated by. When I say 'intimidated by' a lot of that has to do with age, I always saw 'older kids' as intimidating and annoyingly that has stuck with me in regards to people I know from school. There is a group of 'older' (literally not even a year older) that I don't think I will ever be comfortable with nor will I ever open up to in the same way I do with my friends. However, now when I meet someone new it is very rare that I will feel this intimidation, yet if I have already put someone in my "intimidated by" box I can't seem to take them out. And it is with these people I find myself either awkward or quiet or just straight up uncomfortable around because of a constant fear of being judged by them. And for some messed up reason I still have that feeling to this day, which annoys me so much because then I come off as all those things which are attributes anyone that knows me, knows I'm not.

 I like to think I’ve always been quite good at picking people to be friends with and I couldn’t tell you one friendship I’ve regretted. Because at the end of the day, I've learnt something from everyone in my life. And whilst the presence of these people in my life vary all the time, I know when I see them or need them they will always be there. It is this sort of unconditional love that so many people look for in a significant other, but sometimes forget to look for it in their friends. And that’s not to say you don’t drift away from your best friends, because I think it’s inevitable. Sometimes you need to grow up on your own, without anyone elses influence. But that doesn’t mean you love them any less. And you know one day something will bring you back together because strong friendships don’t always need daily conversations, and sometimes it is the catching up that makes relationships more interesting. 

So even though I don’t say it all the time, to my best friends, ILYSB.